In 2008 my husband & I were working with a fertility doctor after almost 2 years of trying & failing to have a baby. In April, 2 weeks after my 32 birthday, the doctor found the reason for my infertility. I had uterine cancer. Stage 1 grade 1. The earliest they could’ve caught it. I went through 6 months of a progesterone treatment to try to get the cancer to lie dormant long enough for us to have one more chance of conceiving. It didn’t work. So, at 32 years old I had a complete hysterectomy with the removal of both ovaries, forcing me into menopause. My life hasn’t been the same since.
Let me preface the rest of this post with the fact that I am not looking for sympathy or pity, nor do I want any and I’m not complaining. I simply want anyone suffering with anything remotely close to this to know that they are not alone. I also want people to realize sometimes they need to not talk and just listen. I know people had the best intentions. But it did more harm to me than good.
I can’t tell you how many people would say to me, “at least you have Ethan” and how upset it made me when they did. If it were just about me this wouldn’t have bothered me so much but it wasn’t. My husband really wanted kids. The effect of it for my husband is what I still, 12 years & 8 months later, am not over.
People say I’m lucky that I didn’t have to go through treatment. I hate that too. I’ve been made to feel like my case of cancer wasn’t a battle. It wasn’t worthy of celebration when I was declared cancer free. Here’s a couple things I’ve actually had people say to me: “well, it’s not like you had to go through chemo”; my own brother told me how pissed he was when he saw my survivor tattoo because I “didn’t deserve it” since I did not go through the hell of treatments.
I was extremely lucky it was caught when it was, had I gotten pregnant it would’ve killed me and it was early enough that I did not have to have treatments. If I had cancer in another part of my body, I could’ve froze eggs in the event that treatments would affect my fertility. Chemo and radiation treatments are temporary. I know there can be long term effects from those treatments, but I don’t know what all that entails for others or the impact it has on their lives, I can only speak from the experiences in my own life. My “treatment” was my hysterectomy. The effect that has had on my life has been detrimental to me.
Two months after I was diagnosed with cancer, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer. Between this and my son I never had time to deal with the emotional trauma of it all. I had no one that understood. When I did try to talk about it, well, I’ve already explained the type of responses I got. I was made to feel small, less than and basically felt like I was being told I have no right to complain, I’m one of the lucky ones.
Being forced into menopause at such a young age makes it 10 times worse than when you go into it naturally. When cancer is the reason for it and breast cancer is a concern taking hormones is not an option. It’s like I ran into a brick wall at full speed. My son was only 7 at the time and has severe ADHD, combined type, and menopause robbed me of the patience I so desperately needed. My ability to let things go, gone. It’s affected my memory, temperament, weight, anxiety, depression, sex life, and so much more. Hot flashes, mood swings, it all sucks.
I already had PTSD from childhood traumas before all this. I already had a dam full anxiety & emotional trauma. I have spent my life just trying to survive, trying to run from all of it so I didn’t have to face it, relive it, deal with it. I had no choice but to add all the trauma and emotions my cancer caused me to my already full dam.
I am physically free of cancer. I haven’t survived it, I haven’t beat it and I’m not free from it.
Maybe one day…
