About Me

THE GREAT MENTAL AVALANCHE OF 2020 – Just in case you’re curious.

This year has sucked for the whole damn world.  I don’t want anything I say to suggest that I think I’ve had it worse than everyone else because I don’t.  I’m actually sympathetic & empathetic to a fault.  I sacrifice my own happiness in order to make other people happy (something I’m trying to improve on).  I’ve held on to all my pain & emotions from everything I’ve gone through in life because in my mind I have no right to complain.  There are plenty of people less fortunate, people whose abuse was way worse than mine, parents of children with cancer, the list goes on & on.

Here’s what finally triggered the avalanche of pain and suffering I’ve dammed up for over 40 years.

A dear friend of mine was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer in November last year.  She had a successful hysterectomy in December, all the margins came back clear, lymph nodes clear, stage 1 on both ovaries.  The cells on one ovary were aggressive so they decided to do chemo, just as a precaution in the event they missed anything.  Throughout her journey we bonded, a lot.  The two of us were the only people we knew personally that we could relate to.  So many times we said how lucky we both were to be saved by the grace of God.  In both our cases it was a total fluke that it was found.  Both found in stage one.  She got thru chemo successfully and was declared cancer free April 16th.

May 27th, her cancer is back.  It’s stage 3 now.   In June they start her on a very aggressive chemo treatment because the type of cells she has are rare, unpredictable and hard to kill.

July 7th she is hospitalized with so many blood clots up and down one leg that its swollen like a tree trunk and clots are starting to form in the other leg.  This is a side affect of her chemo so they stop it & start looking for trials for her to participate in.

July 14th.  She’s stage 4 now.  Cancer has spread to her liver, stomach, lungs and esophagus.

July 22.  She’s been given a month to live.

August 3rd I find out a young adult in my family has cancer (Thankfully it was successfully removed and no further treatment was necessary)

August 5th.  My friend lost her battle.  I broke.

On August 8th I found out one of my uncles has been diagnosed with cancer,  He died on August 10th.  (This opens a whole other can of worms with abandonment issues.)

September 13th I lost a former in-law, also to cancer (I’m in the smaller group of exes that still communicate and get along with my ex and his family so yes, this affected me.)

September 24th we lost my husbands grandfather.

This avalanche buried me.  Since then I have had very little motivation to try.  Anything.  I don’t want to socialize (in that sense COVID has actually been a blessing for me).  I don’t have the energy to do anything.  I just broke.   

How many times can one person be broken and put back together again?